How Assertiveness Can Change Your Life
How Assertiveness Can Change Your Life
A look at how being assertive allows us to lead an authentic and rewarding life
by Dr Hester Bancroft, BSc (Hons) Psych, DCPsych, CPsychol
Assertiveness is simply us saying what is okay in our world and what isn't and yet, for many of us, it is one of the most challenging aspects of our relationships, whether that is in our relationship with our partner, our family or our friends. Importantly though, it is through being assertive that we can ensure our relationships are truly healthy.
In any close relationship we have, there will be times when there are misunderstandings or disagreements. The key is not in avoiding these ruptures but in noticing them, discussing them and working through them together. When we do this it gives us the opportunity to find a constructive and positive way forward and gain new understandings of one another.
When we are able to be assertive, we are not only able to have more authentic relationships, we also ensure we don't end up living a life where we are constantly putting other people's needs above our own at the expense of our own wellbeing.
There can be many different reasons why someone may struggle to be assertive but most, if not all, of the messages and beliefs we carry about whether or not we can voice our needs will stem from our childhood.
When we are growing up we can develop one (or all) of the following fears which can impact our ability to be assertive:
- Fear of conflict
- Fear of being disliked
- Fear of offending others
These fears can be modelled from our parents or primary caregivers. As children, we observe, and unconsciously model, how our parents dealt with others. If we grow up with parents who do not have clear boundaries around how others treat them or parents who avoid conflict at all costs, we can absorb those beliefs and ways of being in the world and carry those beliefs into adulthood.
Alternatively, we can develop these fears as a reaction to the environment we were immersed in as children. For example, if we grow up in a house where there is aggression or volatility (from one or more people in our family), we can learn to suppress our own desires and needs and focus our efforts instead on doing whatever is needed to placate those around us. When we are immersed in this kind of environment, it is likely that we will become hyper-vigilant to others' emotional states (keeping a careful and constant watch for possible danger or difficulties). This can persist into adulthood making us incredibly sensitive to others' moods. Then, when faced with what we perceive as potential difficulties or any sort of aggression, the same emotional response and behaviours can be triggered.
In addition, children who had a parent or sibling who was unwell (physically or psychologically) can grow up with the belief that they need to prioritise the needs of others. In this situation these individuals often carry a belief that they need to be 'good'; to work hard,behave well and put their own needs to one side.
Finally, if a child's needs were dismissed or met with irritation or even hostility, they are likely to take on board a belief that their wishes are, at best, unimportant and, at worst, likely to put them in danger. When this is carried through into adulthood, an individual is likely to suppress their needs in all of their important relationships.
Whatever the reasons for not feeling able to give voice to our rights or our needs, when a person finds it hard to speak their truth it will, more often than not, result in them feeling unheard and unappreciated. In addition, they are likely to find it hard to say "no" to the requests or demands of others. They may even find themselves volunteering to do things for others ahead of being asked because of the belief they should look to serve others whenever, and wherever, possible. For many, a cycle can be set up where they regularly find themselves taking on more than they can cope with, which inevitably leaves them feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. When this happens, the very skill they are missing (to voice what is ok in their world and what isn't) is even more needed so that they can create the time and space needed to nurture and care for themselves.
To be assertive, we need to understand what roles we are currently playing in our relationships and, in particular, how we respond to misunderstandings or disagreements with others. We also need to learn to honour our truth so that we can communicate and maintain our boundaries clearly and calmly. Our internal dialogue, our spoken words and our body language are all crucially important when we are learning the art of assertiveness; an art that is crucial for both our wellbeing and our relationships.
If you feel that being more assertive would help you create the life, and the relationships, you want, you may be interested in our small group (up to 8 people) 1 day workshop for women entitled Assertiveness and Positivity which runs throughout the year in Cookham Dean, Berkshire (see the Days Retreats for Women page).
