As a parent, one of the hardest things to deal with is when we see our child is struggling. When they experience stress or anxiety, we can feel at a loss as to how to support them. Because of how they are feeling, our children, themselves, often do not know what support they need and what would make them feel better. This blog aims to help you work out what may be going on for your child and give you some tips as to how you can best support them.

We can easily confuse stress and anxiety; indeed, we can say we are stressed when we are anxious and anxious when we are stressed. This is totally understandable because these two emotions feel exactly the same in our body; both emotions trigger our flight or fight response and make us feel incredibly uncomfortable. It is, however, important to understand the difference behind these two emotions if we want to help our child (or ourselves!) deal with them and move to a better place.

Let's explore the difference between stress and anxiety here:

Stress is when we feel we have something we need to get done (something we are hoping, or need, to achieve) but we are unsure as to whether we have the resources to do so. The particular resources we believe we are lacking can consist of all sorts of different things such as time, money, support, skills or knowledge. 

Anxiety, on the other hand, is experienced when we are worried about something with an uncertain outcome. It is a future based activity about what may happen in the short or long-term and, because of this, questions that are driven by anxiety usually start with "what if...?"

So, as you can see from the above; stress is caused by the real things we have to get done, whereas anxiety is caused by all of the imagined. 

Sometimes our child can feel stressed and anxious at the same time but it is still important to know which parts are causing them stress and which parts are causing them anxiety because the solution to both is different.

MANAGING STRESS

As already highlighted, stress is caused by the belief we don't have the resources to achieve the things we want, or need, to get done.  If our child is stressed then, it is important to address what resources they feel they are lacking in the best possible way. Here are a few ways to help your child manage the common stressors:

When your child believes they don't have enough time: 

When people come to see me for support with stress caused by lack of time, they will typically say they just need to get x, y or z done and then everything will be alright. However, rather than going even faster on their hamster wheel by doing more, they actually need to remove things from their diary and do less.

If you can see your child is stressed, have a think about whether they are having enough 'down' time. Whilst it is great for our children to have opportunities to try all sorts of new things, remember they need times when they are able to just 'be.' Indeed, research shows that creativity comes out of boredom so, if your children tell you they are bored, remember that means you are doing a great job! In addition, remember when our children are facing a busy time at school (due, for example, to a school production or exams) we need to make adjustments in their diaries by removing the things they do not need to do for that period of time. By doing this, and also by discussing the importance of doing it, you will teach them good habits for life.

When your child believes they do not have the skills or knowledge they need:

If your child is feeling stressed because they doubt their capabilities, it is important to be curious about why they feel this way. Explore with them whether this is actually the reality or whether it is them simply not believing in themselves enough. It is helpful for us all to recognise that, when we move outside our comfort zone, it is normal to question ourselves but, as our confidence grows, this will pass and stretching our comfort zone is vital if we want to feel alive and connected to the world.

If they truly believe they do not have enough skills or knowledge to achieve what they need or want to achieve, then you can help them to explore what skills they may need to acquire. Be curious about what skills or knowledge they think they may be lacking. Do they feel they need more tutoring around a topic? Would they benefit from more time with you, their teacher or a specialist tutor for a period? Explore with them where they feel the gaps in their knowledge are and what can be done to support them.

Help them to look at this as an investment in themselves. Gaining the skills they need will remove their stress and make them feel even more able to achieve what they want in life.

For all of us, living in a state of chronic stress is not only bad for our health but also for our relationships. A child who is stressed (just like us as adults!) will not be able to be their 'best self.' When stressed your child is likely to be irritable, unreasonable, over-sensitive and snappy. Help you child to realise that life should not be stressful all the time and that asking for help when they are not coping is really important for their happiness.

MANAGING ANXIETY

We will all, at times, feel anxious and it is really important for our children to know this. It is important they understand that being anxious does not make them an 'anxious person.'  Indeed, being anxious is part of being human! Crucially, if someone believes they are an 'anxious' person they will also believe they cannot change that about themselves. In reality, what our children simply need is the tools to deal with, and move through, anxiety, as swiftly as possible.

The first helpful thing to do, when your child is anxious, is to question them around what the chances are of the thing they are worried about actually happening. When we are anxious, we can think our imagined catastrophe is very likely to happen when, in reality, the chances are, it won't. We know that saying to a child "that's never going to happen!" isn't helpful because, in all honesty, we can never be totally sure about what is, or isn't, going to happen. Instead, it is much more helpful to acknowledge that there is a (probably tiny!) chance it could.

The second thing to do is get them to answer their "what if" question. When we are anxious, we tend to hold the "what if" thought, visualise it actually happening and then 'sit' in that catastrophic place (or what feels catastrophic to us). This keeps the anxiety alive and active. Instead, what we need to do is engage the problem-solving part of the brain. As parents, it can feel counterintuitive to ask your child what they would do if their worst-fears came true, but be brave, it works! So, ask your child, "What would you do if the thing you are worried about actually happened?" Remember that, short of death, we always have options and, when we need to be, we are all brilliant problem-solvers! Help your child work out their plan B and then congratulate them on their brilliant problem-solving skills. This is a great way of reminding them of their inner strength and tenacity. Plan Bs help us to feel much calmer as we can see how we'd manage any given situation.

And finally, in addition to the above, when our children are feeling stressed or anxious (or both) it is helpful to discuss the importance of self care and self compassion. Teach them to prioritise the following things as they are well-known to help us cope at times of stress:

• Breathe! When we are stressed or anxious we breathe from the top of lungs and, in doing so, maintain the fight or flight response in our bodies. Children (and adults) who are living with chronic stress or anxiety can get in the habit of shallow breathing keeping them in a hypervigilant state and sapping their energy. Help them to understand the importance of calm, deep breathing and the effect it has on our nervous system.
• Have a good routine and structure; as parents, we can hugely help our children to cope in times of stress and anxiety by establishing a clear routine and maintaining it as much as possible.
• Ensure they experience nature every day; it is important to do this even if it is raining and they only have 10 minutes spare, research shows this massively helps our mood.
• Ensure they are doing enough exercise; exercise helps hugely with stress and anxiety as we release dopamine and serotonin, improving low mood and boosting our mental well-beling.
• Prioritise sleep; teach them how important it is to get a good night's sleep. Tiredness is known to increase stress and anxiety levels. Let them choose a pad and pen for next to their bed so that they can write down (and externalise) any worries at bedtime (you can write them for them and reassure them you will discuss them the next day if they still feel they need to). Externalising our worries helps us to park them and all of our worries are much more manageable in the daylight hours.

I hope you have found this blog helpful. If you would like to get more support in helping your children, sign up below for my FREE parenting eBook and regular 'quick tip' emails: